Jaap van Deurzen: ‘I made a dustbin out of my own body’

“Are you not allowed to eat for the whole week?” friends often ask me in terror when I tell them I’m going on another detox vacation. “Absolutely nothing,” I reply. “Just vegetables and fruit juice. A whole week. And, as if that wasn’t tough enough, you’re also going to exercise three times a day.” This is usually the moment they start trembling with horror. “But,” I quickly add, “the weather is beautiful, you don’t have to do anything else, and you’ll come back not only slim but also bursting with energy from such a detox week.’

So, detoxing then. In 2015, I went for the first time. To Turkey. Since then, I’ve been going every year with the organization Health Holidays. I’ve never been to their destination in Fuerteventura. When I arrived, I was surprised to find an airport full of tanned, hip surf and kite enthusiasts. Honestly, I always thought the Canary Islands were only for old people. Nothing could be further from the truth. This volcanic island is the place to be for water sports enthusiasts because of the strong winds and high waves.

Before you begin a detox week, you’ll first take a week off. This means you’ll eliminate toxic substances like coffee and wine from your diet and try to cut down on carbohydrates and dairy. Alternatively, you can skip the off-leash and compulsively stuff the last few M&Ms in your mouth on the plane and hop into the hotel van with a café latte in hand. The price you’ll pay for this is a splitting headache on days two and three, but it’s worth it. On your arrival day, you’ll receive a welcome fruit juice and can settle into your own apartment by the pool at the Atlantic Garden Hotel in Corralejo. This hotel is practically on the seafront, and there are charming shops nearby where you can always find rabajas and bargains.

Tip: Don’t do that in the first few days. Everything you buy will be too loose by the end of the week (yay!).

Exercise until you weigh a pound

My personal favorite this year was aqua gym. I absolutely hate swimming pools, but this one turned out to be filled with seawater (good for cellulite, or rather, against it, well, you get the idea) instead of chlorine. Besides, different equipment was used every day to get us in shape, and the group consisted mainly of people with my motor skills, so every five minutes a ball went the wrong way or someone hit someone in the head with a dumbbell. I don’t know if my abs and leg muscles actually improved during this particular workout, but at least my funny bone is back in perfect condition.

Yes please, delicious, give me another glass of that delicious celery with turnip juice…

Every day, Health Holidays guru Fanette makes three delicious juices for you. She lovingly adds all sorts of fruits and vegetables to each juice and tells you what vitamins, minerals, and other nutrients you’ll be getting. You’ll also receive plenty of advice on nutrition and exercise so you don’t go crazy on drinks, cookies, and candy when you get back and lose all your newfound energy. The best tip she gave me this week is this: eat sensibly for six days—meaning pure, no sachets, and with plenty of (raw) vegetables and avoid dairy. The seventh day is your cheat day, where you eat the “bad” things you missed the other days.

Not eating, how horrible is that exactly?

How hard is it to not eat for a week? It’s pretty hard, especially the first few days. But the hunger, headaches, and extreme fatigue disappear after a few days, and then you have energy for ten. I felt like a manic lunatic on the fourth day. I’d happily go for a run after my cardio workout, and I suddenly only needed six hours of sleep, while the first few nights I’d easily managed 10 hours. What doesn’t go away is the craving for food. Sometimes we’d even hang out like junkies under a restaurant grill to inhale the delicious smells…

What!? – 4,7 kilo

On the seventh day it is ready and then comes the magical moment of measuring. Sure, we all supposedly came for “new energy” and “time for ourselves,” but meanwhile, we spend the whole week obsessing about how many pounds and inches we’ll have lost. With narrow heads and shrunken bellies, we step on the scale, which shows an average of about four kilos less. I lost 4.7 kilos and 13 cm (abdomen and leg)!

Tres vinos por las chicas slankas por favoru

High time for a grilled fish on the beach. With a salad. And a couple fries. And go ahead, let’s have a glass of wine with it. Or a bottle. What did she say about a cheat day again? Monday we start with our new and healthy life. Otherwise we’ll just go again next year!