11 reasons to start detoxing in Portugal right away (Spoiler: 6 kilos in one week!)

You know that moment when your jeans come out of the wash and suddenly only pull up as far as your knees? When the buttons on your blouse spontaneously pop off, and you can’t bend over without revealing a “builder’s cleavage”? That’s the moment you know something has to change. The moment you decide: I’m going to detox. In Portugal. With Health Holidays. Because if you’re going to get slim and toned anyway, you might as well do it somewhere sunny.

And now for the question: is detoxing really as horrible as you think it is? With terrible hunger, pounding headaches, a downcast mood, and an enema in your backside? Nope. It is time for yourself, a nice tan, a boost of new energy, and last but not least, a few kilos less. So if you are still in doubt, stop immediately because:

#1 You get the most delicious juices during a detox week like this. You drink liters of water and tea all day long, and three times a day comes the magical “juice moment.” In the morning, you get a fruit juice (the tastiest of the day); in the afternoon, a tomato-cucumber juice; and in the evening, a vegetable juice.

#2 The feeling of hunger is gone after a day. Occasionally, there’s still some tea sloshing around, or your stomach rumbles because you secretly had a piece of gum containing junk that triggers hunger, but otherwise—really—there’s almost nothing.

#3 Faro is only a two-and-a-half-hour flight away. That’s the same amount of time it takes to drive from Den Bosch to Groningen (excluding time at the airport, of course—but hey, that’s just ‘me time’), only it’s a tad warmer there.

#4 Exercising for three hours a day sounds far more grueling than it actually is. For one thing, you start seeing results (or think you do) after just two days. For another, it turns out to be quite fun. Every day at 7:30 a.m., you spend over an hour power walking, ‘roving’ (walking even faster), or even running along the coast. Around 11:00 a.m., there’s a ‘Bodyshape’ class led by Ilona; she really puts you through the wringer but laughs heartily while doing so, which makes it seem less painful. Then, in the afternoon, there’s an aqua aerobics class that goes ahead even if it’s raining. We might not have made it to every single one of those, though…

#5 The hotel features a fantastic spa where you can relax in the sauna every day (great for sore muscles!) and book detox massages and facial treatments.

#6 The area around Carvoeiro boasts the most beautiful and dramatic coastline imaginable. Even if you’re having one of those inevitable slumps (usually around day 3), this place will instantly lift your spirits and make you happy again.

#7 You meet great people. A detox week like this suits both loners and social types. You can completely do your own thing—simply giving everyone a brief nod during juice breaks while staring sullenly ahead—or you can go shopping together in the afternoon or hang out by the pool. During my detox week, there were two attractive pilots along for the ride, so I was definitely a social type on this trip.

#8 There are plenty of diversions in the form of picturesque Portuguese towns. You really shouldn’t leave Carvoeiro without doing some sightseeing. Top of our list is the town of Silves, where even the utility boxes are beautiful. Try to avoid the café terraces, though—after all, if you’re sitting on a terrace, you aren’t ordering sparkling water. It’s better to skip the terraces and wander from church to alleyway to viewpoint.

#9 It is highly unlikely you will often find a moment where you can finish a book undisturbed and do exactly what you feel like doing—without anyone else pestering you. This week is truly about “me time”—even if that term makes you want to gag. You focus entirely on yourself (and two pilots) and completely unwind.

#10 You can lose 6.3 kilos and 7 cm of belly fat in a week. Okay, that *was* the record from recent years—and losing 3 kilos in a week is far more common—but still, it really is possible. The only thing you have to do to hit this Wine-up record of -6.3 kg is to stuff yourself silly with everything God has forbidden right before you leave. So, you ignore the recommended tapering-off schedule (no wine, coffee, carbs, or—definitely—bags of M&Ms in the final days before departure); you might suffer a bit of a headache for the first two days as punishment, but you start at a nice high weight and finish nice and low. A free tip.

#11 It’s good to go a week without wine every now and then. It’s just like love: you only realize what you’re missing when you don’t have it. So, don’t forget to stock up on a few bottles of that delicious Portuguese wine—ready to polish off the moment you get home. Or maybe just have a single glass. After all, you were feeling so energetic and healthy. Just kidding. A whole bottle, of course.